


Memories

by Millijana



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, minifics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-09-10
Updated: 2012-10-30
Packaged: 2017-11-13 23:17:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/508808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Millijana/pseuds/Millijana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These are very short fics I wrote inspired by screencaps I took while playing my "new" Ronja Shepard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Feros

**Author's Note:**

> This is one is related to a screenshot on which Kaidan is wearing a white/violet armor and looks on the floor away from the group. That reminded me of embarrassement and I could understand him, he really looked...

“Ron, I look ridiculous,” Kadain muttered watching himself in the mirror.  
„Do you remember Feros?” Shepard answered.  
Kaidan looked puzzled first, but then the memory came back. “You’re talking about my armor?”  
“Yep. THAT was ridiculous.” She grinned.  
“If I recollect right, it was you who made me wearing it.”  
“Indeed. But the only other option was sending your fine ass back to the Normandy.” A mischievously grin on her lips. “And obviously that was no option that could seriously be considered.”  
He ignored his image in the mirror and looked at her. “Ron, it would have taken scarcely 30 minutes to get another one from the Normandy.”  
“I know. But any minute seemed too much. And despite that, I thought violet would fit your skin tone pretty well.” She looked at him acting the innocent. “There could have been more Geth in the docking bay. And with all this white I could see you much better in those dark tunnels.”  
“And I shall believe that?”  
She shrugged. “If you like.”  
“And the real reason?” It occurred to him that they never have spoken about this.  
“Your face.”  
“My face?”  
“Yeah, the face you made, when I showed it to you, and even more, when you came out wearing it. I’ve never seen anything funny like that. You’ve been too embarrassed to even look at us.”  
He didn’t know if to laugh or to be angry. “There have been other armors, outside the Normandy, am I right?”  
“Yep.”  
Eventually he smiled. She had told him, that she had liked him from the very first minute they had talked to each other. And that had been her strange way of showing it. And still was. The other crew members had to bear similar situations. She always had made up for that, but in the end no one of them had to be embarrassed in front of the others.   
“Okay, maybe this suit is fine. Compared to the fine armor, you made me wear.”  
“You damaged your old beyond repair, so don’t complain. I have every reason to complain!”  
“Is that so?”  
“Oh yes, Kaidan. You even didn’t let me help you getting out of the damaged and burned old armor.”  
“I thought it was inappropriate to get undressed by my CO.”  
She chuckled. “Oh that’s the reason. Well, then I’m glad you had overcome this before Ilos.”  
He pulled her in an embrace and kissed her on her cheek. “Me, too.”


	2. The Mako

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan muttered that Shepard should drive more carefully after the Mako was damaged. Still on Feros, on the Skyway.

Garrus knew it was a mistake when he saw the Lieutenant hem and haw after his initial comment. Though he could understand him and thought he was right, Garrus knew better than speaking it out loud.  
“What do you mean with ‘drive more carefully’, Lieutenant?”  
Garrus forced back a sigh. Whenever she got angry, she called his rank instead of his name. And now she was really angry. Maybe not so much about what he had said but more about that she knew he was right. Her driving was disastrous, putting it mildly.  
“Commander, I think, this wouldn’t have happened if you would try at least to avoid the barriers.”  
“Why would I? Why do I have such a vehicle under my ass, when I still have to avoid everything? And besides that, I don’t think I have to remind you that we are in a bit of a hurry.”  
Garrus looked at her to make sure it was no joke. But in this matter she seemed completely serious. “Shepard…”  
“You have to say something, too?”  
Garrus scolded himself for raising his voice. “Yeah, Shepard. I think his complaint isn’t without reason.”  
“Oh, is it?”  
“Well, most of the time I’m aboard, when you are driving, and after the missions I take care for the Mako. So, yes, maybe I can take part in this conversation.”  
She looked from one man to the other. “You don’t like my driving? And you think I don’t take care enough of the Mako?”  
Garrus hesitated. This was not his topic. He considered it a mistake having said anything at all.  
“Look, Commander, I like adventure,” Kaidan started cautiously. “But falling of this Skyway is a bit too much adventure when you ask me. After killing a Threshermaw and falling off countless cliffs, this is too much.”  
“I had it under control.”  
They all knew she hadn’t. Even in the backseat Garrus had seen the sweat on her forehead.   
“I don’t doubt it, Shepard. But please, I don’t have control over my stomach if you keep driving like this. Or get a stroke or something. All I’m saying is: be a bit more careful.”  
“Do you want to drive the next time, Kaidan?”  
Garrus was sure that this had never been his intention. He wasn’t even sure if the whole conversation had been intentional. If he had to guess the Lieutenant’s mouth had been faster than his brain.   
But now he can’t back off. So he agreed on driving from now on. Garrus was sure it was a bad idea and that Kaidan would regret it very soon.  
Well, soon, wasn’t the right term. They weren’t able to fix the Mako on the Skayway and had to walk back to Zue’s Hope - a fact that did not help to cheer up Shepard, but even made her more fretful.  
Four days later Kaidan did regret he offer to take the wheel. Not because it would have been too difficult for him. In fact he was great with the Mako, nearly no crashes with any kind of environment.  
What made it even worse than a sick stomach, were Shepard’s continuously complaints.   
Too slow. A too long way round. You know where you can find the gas pedal? Actually, you could drive up that hill. Use the jets, than you won’t have to poke down the hill.   
To Garrus it seemed like she had told herself to drive Kaidan insane until he gave up. But he didn’t - he was as stubborn as her. Sometime Garrus thought he even drove a bit slower whenever she reminded him that this vehicle had a gas pedal.  
Garrus was impressed that Kaidan held his position in the driver’s seat for four whole missions. Garrus did not know what led to the change, but to be honest he didn’t want to know. H could not imagine Shepard admitting that Kaidan had been right. But he could also not imagine what else would prompt Kaidan to give her the seat back.  
All he knew that her driving was better… for some missions – after that… well, it was Shepard.


	3. Ashley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chater plays after the game. The screencap I relate to is the one of Ashley with Garrus and Wrex when Shepard haolds her speech on the Normandy after becoming a Spectre.

Shepard hated the picture. All she could do was staring at it. 

On the one hand it was good that she finally got the attention she deserved. But it was too late. They should have cared earlier. They should have watched her more carefully and what she was capable of.   
Shepard knew it wasn’t fair. Her family was damn proud of her, knowing she gave her life for the greater good - brave and without hesitation. And Shepard let her. She had let her die; not without hesitation, but in the end they both knew she could not decide otherwise. Ash had known that Shepard could not decide against Kaidan. They had never spoken of it, but Ash had known that she loved him and that she had rather died herself back in Virmire than leave him behind.  
It had been right. Ashley had asked for it, she had given her life willingly. Shepard had tried to reach her, but Ashley had been right, they would have died both in the attempt.

Now seeing her on this picture in this extranet magazine was cruel. She had thought to be clear with this, to have overcome it. Her family should have embraced her after the ceremony. Instead they got her medal and the alliance flag.   
Shepard wasn’t able to speak to them for three weeks, until Kaidan set her straight. He had been right – she had to do this, she owed her this.

So she contacted Ash’s family. The family she had heard so much about on their mission. They didn’t blame her, what made it even worse. So Shepard blamed herself for them. She killed their sister and daughter. She killed her friend.   
But she got through this, like she got through everything. And now this fucking article appeared and destroyed everything she had accomplished in this matter during the last weeks. 

Her omnitool flickered as a message arrived. “Don’t read ‘citadel news’. We will do this together.”

She snorted and started typing an answer. “We won’t.”

“You already did?”

“No, just saw the picture.”

“I’ll be there in 2 hours.”

“Don’t rush around. I’m fine.” That was a lie, but maybe he wouldn’t get it.

“Don’t make me laugh, Ron. I’ll make haste.”

She flipped her omnitool off. There was no need in answering to that. He would come over. Like he did since they let her leave hospital. 

She took up again the datapad with the picture of Garrus, Ash and Wrex. It could have been that way, it could have been real. A long time ago – months that feel like years, or decades.   
Hell, what was the matter with her. She had lost friends before, not only once, but this time… it seemed too much. Kaidan kept her reminded that Ashley would have kicked her butt if she would have seen her this way. And he was probably right. Giving up was no option. 

It would get better. She would get used to her pictures and the messages from one of her family members. They had learned that she had no family of her own so they adopted her so to say.   
Maybe this was a bit exaggerated, but she felt that way and it confused her. 

When Kaidan arrived two hours later he put a bottle of whiskey on the table. They talked about Ash while drinking the first two glasses. What they remembered, what they had laughed about, what they had talked about. Eventually they read the article. There were just a few lines about her, hardly a paragraph. But the author had tried to do her justice. He had mentioned that this was an attempt to wash the name of her family clean – an attempt that should not have been necessary. But it did not miss the point, now nobody thought about her grandfather, when one heard the name ‘Williams’ they thought about her sacrifice, about the young woman who gave her life to protect the galaxy.


	4. Before Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrus keeps an eye on Shepard before this mission.

Garrus was sure she wasn’t aware that she was doing it. But he knew. He could even remember when she had started doing it.  
Somewhere between Feros and Noveria she had adopted it from the Lieutenant. But not only Garrus had seen it. Ashley, Wrex and Garrus had had a bet running if they would ever notice it. Garrus had won – she still hadn’t noticed it. But he wondered if it still counted after her being dead for two years. But with Wrex on Tuchanka and Ash dead, there was probably not prize he would win.  
Ashley and he had even a count running who did it more often. Of course it had been Kaidan. It had been some kind of fun for Shepard to throw him off balance.  
This was one of the things that made him sure this was really Shepard. Rubbing her neck, whenever something caught her off guard or if something made her kind of embarrassed was something Cerberus couldn’t have known. She never showed it in public, on no vid that existed of her she had done this. Only some of her crew could have known and he was sure none of them would have told Cerberus.  
He wondered if she would ever notice it. If he had to bet, he would place his creds on ‘no’.  
She had become very grim, since he met her on Omega. She still was ‘the’ Commander Shepard, but there was something new on her, something that made her more serious. He would bet all the tricks she had played on them wouldn’t happen now. But the last two years had changed them all. So, who was he to judge her.  
He had become the Archangel and she the more serious Shepard who rubbed her neck, whenever she wasn’t sure what to say or what to do. But deep inside them they were still the same. Their next destination was Horizon. TIM had said Kaidan would be there.  
She did it more often since she got the knowledge. She made her patrol through the ship as usual, but from his post he could watch her in the mess. Whenever someone addresses a question on her, she had to think about it first, after this puzzled behavior.  
The Lieutenant had meant a lot to her. Now seeing him after two years, being confronted with what had become of him must be hard for her. He didn’t question her operational capability or herself, but he still worried about her. He had no clue what Kaidan had done in the meantime since the team broke up. He hoped the Lieutenant hadn’t changed too much, and that he would believe her. He could not think about the consequences if he had.  
Shepard wouldn’t take it lightly.


	5. Post Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard behaves worrying after their return from Horizon.

It was rare to see her like this. It was even rarer to hear her mourn. Normally she just became quiet and serious. This time was different.  
Garrus sat in the mess, when first Kelly and then Joker approached. He eyed them suspiciously at first. But after they explained he understood. He nodded and finished his meal.  
“You will talk to her?”  
He looked at the Yeoman. “First I will check how intense it is.”

 

  
He entered the room and got a glance from the Merc at the workbench. “Looking for something?”

  
“Yes, but I won’t need your help for that. I can handle myself.”

  
“I thought so. You wouldn’t have earned that reputation if you couldn’t.”

  
Garrus nodded and tabbed through the different cameras on the ship on the screen. He rolled back a few hours and searched for the entries the two had been speaking of.

  
There: Shepard had left the elevator after stowing her stuff in her cabin. Her face was solemn, her eyes turned downwards, trying to avoid everyone.  
“Commander? You received a new message on your private terminal.” Kelly turned around half way and threw a glance at Shepard before she swirled around and looked at her worried. Kelly had already told him, what they both had said. But to hear it by himself was something completely different. He watched Shepard how she fought against tears when Kelly question caught her completely off-guard. She admitted that Kaidan, now Commander himself, still meant a lot to him. If she thought it was over. She hoped not. She had imagined it completely different. She forced her feelings back inside. Garrus saw how difficult it was for her. He had seen her fighting a lot and often, but this was different. This was nothing she could solve with a gun and a round of projectiles.  
This was something she had to make out with herself.

  
He saw that she had left Kelly very hasty. A quick thank for the talk was all she could manage.

  
He searched the next vid he had to check. She had approached the bridge and Joker had turned around immediately. After a short chat he had asked her if everything was clear between her and Alenko. She had dropped her eyes and hesitated. No, not really, in fact nothing was clear, she didn’t know.  
He saw how she had retreated afterwards. She had been moving fast through CIC straight into the elevator stopping every question with a wink of her hand. No camera had the right angle to catch her face, but he was sure that he would not be pleased.

  
Again he moved through the camera pictures.

  
She entered her cabin and stood in front of her desk. One Hand moved in the direction of her private terminal, eventually stopping.  
She sighed and rested both hands on the desk. Her fingertips were getting white as she dug them into the plate of the desk. He saw her trembling as her muscles were getting tenser. Finally she pushed her self away from the desk and stood there, breathing harsh and to Garrus’ consternation, with tears in her eyes. One was already leaving a wet trail on her left cheek. She tilted her head until she could see the little frame with the picture. Garrus had - on the one occasion he had been up there in her cabin – seen it black.  
Now she moved a hand in his direction and he could see from another camera, that it showed Kaidan, but just as long as she held her hand in position. As she removed it, the screen got all black again.  
She wiped the tears from her eyes and moved again to her terminal. She switched it on and he saw her eyes widening a bit. She hesitated, but eventually hit the button that started the message. She made a few steps backwards and listened.

  
“Shepard,  
I’m sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent…”

  
Garrus muted the sound and just watched. Just a short time was necessary to see, that she would live it through. He saw her face, another tear, but nothing of her forlornness before. She would fight. Whatever he would promise her now on this audio file, she would use it. It would be another asset for her fight to survive, to come back from the Omega-4-Relay.  
He turned off the screen and turned to go.

  
“Spying on Shepard? She won’t like it.”

  
“Making sure she doesn’t need help, because she would ever ask for it.” He turned his head around to Zaeed. “But, as I see it, she will be fine. So there is no need that she knows of this.”

  
The two men exchanged some serious glances. “In the interest of the crew, I take it?”

  
“Exactly.” Garrus left the room and went back to his post. He would not need to talk to her until she wishes by her own.

 

  
~*~

 

  
Ronja listened tree times to the message. And every time she lived through her memory of this encounter on Horizon. Still exhausted from the fight with the Collectors their husks and their machine she approached the man, one of the very few survivors. She remembered her fear Kaidan could be among those that left Horizon on the Collector ship. She had thought his voice was an illusion first, until he came around the cargo.  
He initial hope when he held her in his arms in a tight embrace that made her feel relieved. But then he had started talking and she got no chance of explaining. He had stated that he won’t believe her. That had hurt most of all. After being honest with him about every little piece, he now said she would be a traitor. That he didn’t know her anymore. She had tried her best, but it had been without any hope. He hadn’t changed. He still was stubborn.  
But he was not stubborn enough to not admit a mistake, or to apologize if necessary. She could understand him. Now. After she had heard three times what had led to his reaction. She couldn’t blame him. She wasn’t even sure if she would have reacted any different.  
But this here mad sure there would be someone waiting for her. He now knew she lived and she had to come back to sort things out. She had to live to make sure he can do it to. To know he will be fine. Whatever they will decide in the future didn’t matter. But she had to know he would be fine. So she had to do her best, she had to defeat the Collectors and the head back to earth. Back to the Alliance. She would give them all the Intel they would need to stop Cerberus and then she could care about her own future with or without him. But first she had to come back. To him.


	6. Illium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard still tries to come to terms with the things that happened on Horizon when they reached Illium.

She knew this was not an appropriate moment to get distracted. But she got this glance on something that made her unable to listen to this cop anymore.  
Garrus would know where to go. She could rely on him. She kept on nodding to everything the Asari in front of her was telling her, but instead of actually listening she tried to get a glimpse on the man who had walked past the window a few minutes ago.  
Her pulse was running. Could it be? What would he be doing here? Did he change his mind? No, she thought, he probably didn't. If her mind didn't play tricks on her it was a coincident that he showed up here.

"Good luck, Commander", the Asari said and it took Ronja a few seconds to realize that the conversation was over.  
They left the building and stopped in front of it. Garrus looked at her accusingly. He knew that she hadn't been listening. But he did not know why.  
"We can leave any minute, I just have to check on something. Wait here."  
She left her squad where they stood and walked in the direction she had watched the man walk. Maybe she could catch up. 

"What's up with her?" she heard Kasumi ask.  
"I have no idea", Garrus answered. 

No of course they did not know. How should they. They did what they were here for. Recruiting an Asari Justicar called Samara. But instead of being a professional their Commander got distracted by a man who reminded her of someone. How could they know?  
They did not know of hours lying awake, thinking of him. Remembering the short time they had together and they knew nothing of missing him, his kisses and his touch. They did not know that her last thoughts were for him. That she had wished to see him one last time.  
They did not know that all her hopes had been risen on Horizon, just to get cut down by him, the man she had hoped for, had thought about all the weeks from her waking up, to that moment, when they met. Garrus maybe knew, or better remembered, her asking everyone about him. Where he was, what he was doing... Anything - Any little information that he was okay.  
But he wasn't and after his message she knew why. It gave her reason to survive; once again it was him who made her fight harder. It gave her a reason to meet him again, tell what really had happened. Telling him about her feelings and the things she was struggling with.  
She realized that it was not only the love thing she was missing. She missed her Lt., who always had her back and listened, had maybe a though on something she missed. Who kicked her ass, when she was about to give up.  
She had to check if it was him. She simply had to. It felt like a wasted chance if she wouldn't.  
No matter if she was here for something completely different.

She saw the armor. The very same he had been wearing on Horizon. There was something different but she could not place her finger on it. 

"Shepard", she heard Garrus say.  
Why could he not follow a simple order when he should? She ignored him - pretended not have heard him.  
"It's not him." This time it was Kasumi.  
Yeah, she would know, because she saw him one single time. Shepard on the other side had spent months on a vessel with him. She had spent her free time with him, talked night after night about everything - their past, their experiences, the crew - everything. Feelings. Loss. Dreams.

Ronja kept walking. She raised her Hand, to grab his shoulder, to turn him around. She wants him to see her, before he hears her. Something is wrong.  
The woman he is talking with eyes Ronja suspiciously. She had to be quick, but she hesitated too long and he turned around.

Ronja stopped in the middle of her movement. Her mouth opened, unspoken words on her lips, hopes in her eyes that were about to break - once again.

"May I help you somehow?" he asked puzzled.  
Shepard needed a second to recover enough to answer him: "Er, no, thanks, I'm just mistaking you with someone else. Sorry", she mumbled and turned around quickly.  
She clenched her fists so hard that she felt her nails digging in her armor, breaking on it.  
How could she be this stupid? Has she become insane? Especially under the eyes of her crew. 

Of course it was not him. How could she have thought something like this? He had other duties than spying on her. She had given everything she had found so far to the Alliance, instead of Cerberus. Anderson still seems to trust her. At least as far as he can spit. And whatever she did, Kaidan would get the most important information about it.  
She didn't calm down until she reached the police line that fenced off the crime scene.

Garrus and Kasumi caught up with her and just looked at her.  
They said nothing. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all.  
Garrus was possibly the best friend she had, and would maybe understand her. He knew her best. That was why he knew what she was about to do, before she had been sure herself.  
And Kasumi? She knew this. Ronja asked herself how often Kasumi might mistake someone for Keiji. And if that'd been why she'd told her that it hadn't been 'him'. Had she made similar experiences? Maybe the two of them were more alike than Ronja had known.

"Let's find this Justicar and leave this place", Garrus said.  
Ronja shot a glance at him and realizes that he wouldn't lose a word about what had happened a few minutes ago.  
Another glance at Kasumi told Ronja that die Thief wouldn't either.  
She nodded. "Yeah, that's a good idea. I've already enough of this planet." She had known before that she had a good crew. But she hadn't realized how much friends she had among them.


End file.
